My Favorite Verse:
Raise your hand if you’re a good Christian
Raise your hand if, when your parents said “don’t watch Harry Potter” you didn’t
If you didn’t play Yu-Gi-Oh because it was Satanic
If you never had a cigarette
If you never had a beer
If you never looked at porn
If you’ve never thought about girls or boys too much
Raise your hand if you never saw an R movie except for Passion of the Christ
Raise your hand if you want to be Andy Stanley, Chris Tomlin, Tim Tebow, or the new St. Augustine when you “grow up”
Not many of us, right?
But, most of us do have a “favorite verse”
Some of us get creative, find something in like...Titus or Haggai
Some of us keep it basic; John 3:16...Romans 3:23...Genesis 1:1 if you’re lazy
Do you guys know my favorite verse? If you know, don’t answer. I’ll give you some hints;
It’s not in Matthew, not in Mark or Luke or John
It’s not in Genesis or Exodus or Isaiah, Psalms or Proverbs
Not in Revelations or James and it’s not any of Paul’s letters
It’s in Malachi of all places. I know right? “Who reads Malachi?”
I DO
Well...I don’t really “read” Malachi. I don’t even “read” the Bible.
It’s probably because I hated history is highschool, right?
All those names and numbers, I could never actually care.
Every time I picked it up I couldn’t stay attached.
But, I still found that verse.
...You ever find something you didn’t realize you were looking for?
Sometimes, you think that it’s looking for you.
One of my favorite things to do is think of Christ as humanly as possible.
I stop thinking of His divine nature, His miracles, His rise from death.
I focus on the thought of Him stubbing his toe...or getting sick
I think of what it must have been like to get a rock stuck under your foot and think
“I’m king of the entire universe...and I’m right here”
It makes my struggles seem more manageable
...It gives me hope
Christ got a cut once
Christ swallowed a seed once
Christ had to resist the temptation to talk back to his mom
Christ had to practice with Joseph everyday to be good at his job
Christ had a job!
Christ had a profession!
Before he started walking across a continent, Christ pulled a 9-5!
Christ had to make his bed
Christ had to cook meals
Christ got a blister
Christ had to get a haircut
Christ sweated
Christ played
Christ didn’t just preach
He didn’t just save
He probably had to pay taxes
He probably had to study
Christ probably went to school
Christ grew up the same way you did…
...with that weight on his shoulders
That weight of expectations
That half-ton plate of anxiety
He probably talked to God and said
“Dad...will it hurt?”
...He said
“Yes.”
“How long will it take?”
“6 hours”
“...why?”
Why?
Why would one human being suffer so much for crimes that weren’t his own.
Why would he put himself through so much...for those who were unworthy.
And Jesus grew and He learned. He felt our pains and temptations.
He brought himself against assailments of flesh and spirit
He strung sails to catch the winds of hope for all mankind
He wore his robes and as banner so that, as it crested the horizon, the captives knew they were going to be set free.
He drank wine and went to parties
He spoke with beggars and prostitutes
He healed the lame and blind who showed nothing but gratitude
For the one who was just like them
...Who knew what it was to be them
...To be the least of these
Christ made Himself the least of these to know what he was fighting for
Christ lowered the crown and dirtied his hands so he knew what he was dying for
And I can almost hear Him saying
“Why!?
Why all the torture!?
For forty days I did not eat
For years I resisted all the temptations offered me
For years I griped not and sinned not
For years I traveled with the knowledge that their futures would be bought
with my blood
with my blood from side and from my head
my blood!
My blood from my hands and from my feet!
Is there any other way!?”
And God said “NO!”
“NO for they are mine! No for they are yours!
No because we cannot let my creation fall to their sinful cores!”
And I think of Christ crying when I scream
“Where are you!?
Why do you hide yourself!
My pains are not relieved and my sweat is enter my cuts!
Salt stings my flesh and taste blood from your last cup
But it’s almost gone! All I had is now gone!
My bones are breaking under temptations weight
My skin is splitting from underneath Satan’s hateful gaze!
What was health is now death!
And where were you in all of this!?”
And I cry out for His existence
and He shouts
“What more do you want!?
Do you need the graying and dying tree which I have forbidden!
Do you need to see the graves of Egypt’s children
Do you need the ashen pit of Sodom and Gamora
Do you want the dried flesh of my Son still stuck to that horrid piece of wood!?”
And Christ and I scream
“My God! Why have you forsaken me!?”
And God speaks again my favorite verse
*STOMP*
“ I HAVE LOVED YOU “
“My arms are open for you protection
But my children must learn to stand on their own legs
Yet I am here to catch you when you fall!
Come to me with tears and they become joy
But first you must know fear to understand the light I bring
Have you seen my plans
I have stacked canvases to eternity’s ceiling of nothing but what I have ready for you!
I have set every atom in existence into motion in six days and designed each and every one
And you think I have forgotten about you!”
“I held you at your friend’s funeral
I cried with you in your despair
I inspire the words that you speak to others
I offer my all for your gain”
“ I HAVE LOVED YOU “
And I don’t need any more...
Pornography:
Oh! She was beautiful! One of the prettiest girls I ever did see
Cloudy mind, lust struck me found no room for apologies
For beauty needs no justification and is it a sin to behold art?
For art was all that it could be, for it meant more to me that I be free to the enjoy all freedoms
for the benefit of my complacency
Than to preserve the sacred seal reserved for her to not be a hungry man’s next meal
I mean, hey, when I was that young,
I didn’t even know I liked girls until I met the computer screen
I figured it was cause I hadn’t met the right one,
I had to find the right category
And from there, adulthood began unraveling
So many different misfortunes to be seen
I have a sweet tooth for the finer things in life and a fine thing she was indeed
And precocious, little, twelve year-old me hadn’t had a chance, yet, to understand modesty
Praise be to the human body! In that moment, she was worth more than eternity
But rarely did the severity of my actions catch up to me
Latch on to my collar to my collar when I see
The finish line with arms wide open, waiting for me to come home rest
lest I lie in the lap of sin and sodomy with whom I had become quite familiar
The sweet taste of this candy had started rotting my tooth
And while I was sleeping with perversion with damnation waiting just down the hall
I was cast into cold-sweats when I realized I was only acquaintances with “truth”’
Sure, her knees hurt, but mine hurt more
I unloaded apologetic texts and soliloquies
to the Father’s hands in exchange for remedies
But there was but silence that came from the balcony
So in the absence of my savior; I just kept clicking
When I went to college I asked her to move in with me
She said “Sure,” clutching me by the tongue
and she came along gladly
She thrived off of post-electro-coital suffering
And when I begged for more,
she said “you have to pay a subscription fee.”
There are addictions that don’t leave track marks
And there are no prescriptions for dealing with a broken heart
There is sin with delayed effect
But you feel it man, you feel it; cold fingers around your neck
I love to hear her speak, though I know Christ is more profound
My mistress, when she walks, drags me across the ground
Freedom finds no foothold in an unwilling soul, so wrap yourself up in her digital arms
She’s the lie you tell yourself when you’ve lost the ability to say “it’ll get better tomorrow”
The knife that finds its way into your hand to cut out slices of a life you’ve only just borrowed
The sweet fire you sip on to make you forget the nightmare shivers of sorrow
The blindfold that beckons you to the closest ledge while singing to you that happiness is all that will follow
But He waits
For all those who dwell in that which they hate
He does not leave, He is always there with his open arms, waiting for your paradigm shift
For you to look back into his eyes, He’ll bring back as you’ve been set adrift
Trust not the misguided creations, flaunting their synthetic gifts
The blood you spend fighting to keep them was won for you by “the One who lives”
Idles:
She took her coffee like she took her bad news:
No sugar
She used to say “Sugar’s for the weak”
Not an apt critique but she’s been unemployed for 3 weeks
She sits beside me
The weekly routine necessitates the consumption of some basic cuisine from her favorite coffee
Shop.
It was almost Halloween and, just to me, it seemed she was going as “someone who had her life
together.”
And I told her cause sugar’s for the weak
The Boulder park bench felt like it was freezing my jeans to the seat
So I settled in for a nice talk like some coffee and a conversation would be enough to warm up
the street.
Besides, we didn’t have anywhere to be
She said “$5.29 for a basic dark roast?” incredulously
As she handed me my card and green mint tea
She disregarded my comment on her apparent costume
So I moved on as a courtesy
Just as I was about to put forth my apology
She looked up…
“Mark left last night.”
I knew it was coming
But I didn’t want to admit it
Just like I didn’t want to admit it was for the same reason she “quit”
But, when you get the letter first...
I asked why
Not because I wanted an answer but because it may have been the first time she thought about
it.
And you could say it wasn’t a “why” just about this
It was a “why” that stretched back in time
To the day they moved in together,
To the day they got engaged,
To the day she said “I do.”
It’s not like I expected her to say “I don’t” but it would’ve been more in character for her to say
“Whatever.”
She didn’t reply but sipped her drink
Lazily, like she thought it was gonna be there forever
As her breath condensed, it reminded me that I thought she once cared enough to, at least,
stop something.
When I saw that pack in her trash can I thought “This is the new leaf I’ve
been praying would turn over.”
It turned out Mark was the one who threw them away
She just...let him
Look, it’s not like I wanted her to keep smoking
I just wanted her to put up a fight about something
If she was gonna make bad choices, she should at least commit to them, right?
I took a sip of my tea
The weather was getting to it already
I increased the speed
“Were you fighting?”
“Yes.”
“About what?”
“I don’t know. Nothing.”
“You had to have been fighting about something. What were the words he used?”
“Can we not talk about it?”
“But-”
“How was your missions trip?”
I stopped and reset
We were going nowhere
Self-reflection wasn’t her favorite activity
“How was the trip?”
“I didn’t go.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t feel like they needed me.”
That was a lie
They left understaffed and underfunded
“How was church?”
“I didn’t go.”
“Why not?”
“I went last week.”
I meant the week before.
“Have you been doing your readings?
“I didn’t get to it.”
“Why not?”
“Cause I’ve heard it before.”
That stupid patronizing smirk creeped onto her face.
Sure, it may help to read some more
But...but…
But we were talking about her
I had half a mind to say everything I had kept inside from the first time I noticed her ways of not
getting involved.
Of letting go when she didn’t need to.
Of abandoning the things that longed to be finished.
I let one line slip.
“You know why he left, right?
Not because you were fighting, but because you weren’t.”
She picked her head up
Gave me the glare she only gives people who are really crossing the line
But I was tired of walking on eggshells
“I can’t remember the last time you really cared.
Not about picking a restaurant or a movie.
I’m talking about people
Things greater than you
I’ve never seen you try with these things.
You didn’t quit your job by walking out;
You got fired for not coming in!
Blame society!
Blame the system!
Cause the one thing you can’t run from is the skin you’re living in
So if you’re scared of that then you better start letting people in and holding on to them.
When’s the last time you loved someone?”
Her eyes bore into me with a fury that I wished I had seen before
I started “You’re either hot or you’re cold, you can’t-”
“You think this is easy!?
I know what I’m doing.
I want them to stay.
Mark was supposed to be the one who fixed it.
I thought marriage was the commitment to end all commitments,
but he started talking about children and I dropped the line.
I didn’t want to!
What’s your excuse?”
I didn’t know what she meant
But she continued
“You could quote verses at me all day long
You used to.
What’s the matter with them now?
You averse to the truth?
I may run from people
But I don’t run like you
I’m not stupid enough to run from God.
You can get upset about my marriage and my health
When you’re done fixing the problems with yourself
You think my commitment issues are bad?
They’re laughable in comparison to the chances you had but gave up.
You could’ve gone at the trip and you didn’t
You could’ve gone to church and you didn’t
You could’ve read the Bible and you didn’t
The spirituality you hold so dear, the one I used to see in you, has withered and is gone
And don’t give me your sermons they go on far too long.
Instead of looking at me and my choices and decrying me for not doing what you think I ought,
Let’s looks at you, who has bowed to no one and worshipped nothing, including God”
She got up
And walked away
Her cup, sitting on the seat
Minutes passed
In utter silence
I took a sip from my tea
It wasn’t hot
It wasn’t cold
I did not want to see
I removed its lid
I tipped it forward
And left it there, running along the street
We Wanted to be Strong:
“Where there is smoke there is not always fire
Sometimes there is...
And sometimes...there’s just ash”
...We only ever wanted to be strong
Just like our dads were
The way they walked said “I don’t need help”
So we took long strides
Head up
Chest out
Straight back
Our brothers walked the same
So did our uncles
Our grandfathers
Our role models
They were the heart stoppers
They won the wars
And there was nothing more
To say than
“I don’t need help”
That was strength...
That was our fathers
Exercising control in all things
Help was hinderance
To be done right was to do yourself
And other hands crowded your work space
So when it came time for reflection
My father locked the door
And left the house to me
It is hollow
And cold
But the only home I know
I was taught that solitude was a virtue
Seclusion was the objective
Loneliness was enlightenment
And I never questioned it
But I called out to my father
“It’s okay” he said
“You don’t need help.”
And I don’t need help
...I am strong
...we are strong
...we only ever wanted to be strong
Strong enough bear the weight
As this house began to fall
We’d take it, our world, on our shoulders
We wanted to be strong enough to stand with everything resting on us
Help was hinderance
Other hands complicated things
So we wanted to stand, alone
We wanted to be strong enough to stand our own
Against these slings and arrows
Against the fortune that rages outside our window
Head on, to take the force of the worst days to come
When clouds collect and black out the sun
And when misfortune and I collide, what is to be done
Of the damage
The damage doesn’t matter,
as long as we won
Strong enough
Then people would stop asking
Stop wondering if we were doing “okay”
Stop volunteering
There was no place for their efforts
We were strong enough
We’d proven it
Our house stood on our legs
“Please, I can help”
Well, the sentiment is appreciated
But unwelcome
“Do you not think I can do this?
I’ve done it this long!
What’s another few months!
Tend to yourself; we need no help!”
But when the night came and they all left
I’d howl
When the night came, and they couldn’t see
I let the pain in
And all the day that I spent, drowning it beneath my “strength”
It came crashing onto my shoulders with the rest of the world
I cried
Oh, LORD
I cried
The back cracked and my head split
This weight was never meant for one man
But we said that that made us “strong”
It’s all they ever showed us
The world never wanted to hear our problems
Our tears were drops in an ocean everyone else was drowning in
Why add to the noise?
Just sink to the bottom and act like we never needed to breathe.
Everyone else learned to swim
One day, I said it out loud
“It hurts”
And everyone stuck forth their hands
They all offered and crowded around
So many eyes, and among them I thought I saw my father
Shaking his head, with the same look he had when I called out the first time, long ago
I trapped my tongue back behind my teeth
And repeated his ode
“I don’t need help
I am strong!”
The rest of the day
As they fell away and the latent pain gathered again
I said it
“I am strong!”
In the evening
When the last few shook their heads with parting sympathy
I shunned their condolences with
“I am strong!”
When the sun was gone
I was still there, proving it all to myself
I said it again, just for my ears
“I am strong!”
I had to say it again
And again
Because the words felt incomplete
They felt empty
“I am strong!”
As empty as my home
“I am strong!”
As cold as that night
“I am strong!”
As distant as the moon
“I am strong!”
As gone as my father
“I am strong!”
As non-existent as the note he didn’t leave
“I am strong!”
As full of grief as his funeral
“I am strong!”
As destroyed as my young heart
“I am strong!”
As broken as my back
“I am strong!”
As weary as my arms
“I am strong!”
This is house is so heavy!
But, “I am strong!”
“Strong enough!
To say that I am broken!
That I am a child, stumbling, with his eyes closed!
That I am hollow!
I am empty!
I am weak!
I am sick!
I am afflicted with silence!
He’s gone…
And I said nothing!
They all passed in front of me
with such heartfelt sympathy
And I was the wall I was taught to be!
I wanted to speak!
I wanted to love!
I only ever wanted to cry!
I only ever wanted to howl!
But men…
Strong men don’t!
The cold has seeped into my bones
This cracked and brittle frame
These chips and splinters in my side
My father is crippled
And no amount of “strength” can lift him up again
To take residence, once more, I these old ruins
The ruins that I have held for him
Would there be one more day of him left
I would have asked him to stay
Fill out the emptiness
Fill out the cavern
Stay here
Don’t be strong
For once, don’t be “strong”
For your son, rest yourself
And be weak
For me,
For us
We were taught to sit down
To not add noise
Never learn to swim
Learn not to breathe
Hold yourself together
Control!
Control yourself!
We believed masculinity was rooted in stoicism
And stoicism was rooted in control
And somewhere along the way, someone decided the best way to “control” was to destroy
What trouble will have you managing what isn’t there
So when we were told to “control our emotions”
We started a fire
Learn to let the smoke fill our lungs
And not cough
Let out no sound
And we did it
We managed
For however long we did, we managed
But it should’ve stopped there
The flame was ill contained
Spread to the carpet
Into the hall and began to pour out the window
And wasn’t but a few minutes that we stood
“Stoic” among the sparks
Ash clinging to our clothes
And hoping to high hell that no one would know
That our house was on fire.
Those with the parting sympathy came back
Dragging their buckets of help
Offering it to us
Offering all of themselves
A willing to lay down on the coals
They were their for us
Behind our crumbling walls
The smoke and flames
Through the cage of our teeth,
We told them our lesson
The one thing we were ever taught
“It is under control,
I don’t need help!”
The sun came up
They were all gone
There was one less
Empty house
Where there is smoke there is not always fire
Sometimes there is...
And sometimes...there’s just ash